Today I keep on wondering if I really was the only women James had cheated with. My stomach is literary in knots with the tought that I might have been just one of those girls…… a fucking GROUPIE!
I could not control myself today and I went and looked up his name on google….. I found so many comments from girls on social platforms and a instant punch in my gut feeling…. I am stupid to be slightly jealous right?
Am I going insane or is this just human nature! All I want to do is seek my closure from him without our spouse’s intervening!
I know I need to focus on my marriage right now. But how can I if my keep on having this stupid strong emotional connection to James.
After my husband found out about my infidelity I tried to commit suicide. Not because I was ashamed or in denial about what I had done. But because 10 years of constant emotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse had taken its final piece of me.
I had admitted to everything. He wanted to know exactly how it had happend. I was forced and manipulated into telling him how James and I had slept together. I was so broken so miserable and lost. He even wanted to know exactly how many times he had kissed me and how.
I remember waking up after I had over dosed with a pipe in my stomach and a nurse telling me to breathe thorough my nose. I was shattered the intern looked at my bruised arms and waved to the nurse to take a look. She smiled sympathetically and said “something must have really upset you” I wanted so much to die that day. I hated myself, I hated my Husband and what we had become.
I know my husband was also broken and his entire life had just changed. I know that I had committed the most horrible of crimes in your marriage. He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, great father and friend. But he is a horrible husband.
I remember someone telling me I have married the realist not the lover. And its true….. even if its hard to admit.
I really dont think our marriage will ever work….. there has been so much hurt on both sides and it has completely shattered us. I have lost my soul in the process.
One thing however I am sure of is that I will never allow myself to love another man.
Is it possible to ever allow myself to love you again? You are making it impossible.
You think its so funny when our Son hits, kicks, pitches and bites me. And you get frustrated with me if I reprimand him. You constantly look for anything to criticize me. Ive been running around the entire day trying to keep you happy.
You constantly want to have sex with me after you found out I had cheated.You cant keep your hands off of me. Is it because you really do love me or are you marking me like a dog marks a tree? Why am I good enough to love now. Is it that you have realized someone els might treat me beter.
You remind me of a child. Another little boy took your favorite red truck and cleaned it, loved it, cuddled with it and now you have taken it back. You have put your truck on the highest shelf and only play with it when you feel like it. You only love it when you feel like it. Some days you hate your truck so much you tell it you wish it was dead……..
Am I just a play thing to you now!
I am slowly breaking. I dont know how much longer I can do this. When is it really time to just give up.
I hope one day you will come across this letter. I hope that you have finally found happiness and true peace. I wish your marriage will be better then it ever was and that you and your wife truly fall in love again. I would like to thank you for those couple of days thank you for being my friend and making me feel beautiful again.
I will cherish those few hours we spent together and keep them in a safe place till the earth consumes my body. I do not think that I will ever feel that way again. I do not know what my marriages future is as its coming closer and closer to the edge.
I want to thank you for treating me with respect. Thank you for shaving your stubble when it was scratching my face . Thank you for telling me I was beautiful. You could not stop using the word cute almost 5000 times and making me laugh like I haven’t in a long time. Thank you for talking to me the day after and telling me how special that night was to you.
That day our spouses contacted each other I just wanted to run away. I was forced to tell your wife what had happened. I so much wanted to protect you but my husband would not allow it. I do have some questions though. I will most probably never get the closure I need.
Was I really the only girl?
Did you confess everything to your wife?
Are you being honest with yourself?
Is it true, that night was really special to you?
When you said you hoped you would hear form me again one day is it true?
I need to say goodbye to you. I need to move on and forget the infatuation I have with you. I need to remember that I hardly know you and that this was just a night of passion. I need to cut my soul ties and stop day dreaming about you. Because I will not allow myself to work on my marriage if you are constantly stuck in my thoughts.
I need to say goodbye to you now, before its to late.
Remeber the night you found out that I had cheated on you? Remember when you laid your hands on me for the 5th time in our marriage. How you held down both my arms and pinned me to the bed? Remember the bruises? I wonder if you could see my pain and fear. You ran out of the door and I followed you crying to come back.
Do you remember when our son was born that he could hardly breath? Do you remember all the machines attached to his tiny body. Do you remember leaving me alone to sit net to his bedside for 2 weeks while you attended a seminar? Because your career was more important then your family.Do you remember that day I went into labour at 34 weeks you told me I should stop complaining and deal with it? Do you remember I was in theater for almost 3 hours while they tried to stop my bleeding.
Do you remember when I tried to get your approval and stopped wearing flowers in my hair and those horrible pants you hated so much? Do you remember when I tried to make love to you, you would lay ontop of me and not once look at me or kiss me? When you where done you would climb off get dressed and leave the room. I would secretly cry in the bathroom.
Do you remember that day when that stranger told me to ‘F@&$’ move my car. You never told him that I was your wife and I should not be spoken too in that manner you even paid him to repair my car. Remember on the drive back home you told me to shut up and said a car should just run me over?
Remember when your mother did not respect my boundaries and said Why did you marry me or that I was nothing and I would never be anything. Do you remember when she said that our Son is going to die? Do you remember that you forced me to apologise each time? When I stood up for myself.
Do you remember when I tried to bring a spark back in our marriage you said that a other woman could do it beter then me. Do you remember that I made you a boudoir shoot and gave it to you for our anivisary you only looked at it once.
My dear husband it saddens me that every time I cried, pleaded, apologized, forgave and threatened to leave that you did not care to change that you did not love me enough to change. You continued to criticize me, break me down, belittle me and kick me when I was down.
Now you want to know why I made the mistake to sleep with another man. You called me a slut and pathetic. You cried and cried even smashed up our home. You say you want to work on our marriage I meen the world to you.
Now my question to you dear husband. Why now, why after all this you want to work on our marriage!
And still you continue to break me down. Yell at me and throw my mistakes into my face.
The Man I Cheated with is a Beautiful soul. He is just as lost as I am in his marriage.
So today I will tell you how I met him.
So I met James (not his real name) While I was visiting some friends for a weekend away on my own. My husband never wanted to join me on weekends away not even to go and visit family. He was happy to stay home with the kids all weekend and watch tv. I on the other hand felt trapped and alone. You know when you sit and stare a photographs on the walls and you feel the instant cant breath moment like you are being suffocated by a invisible force? (Or is it just me) Anyway that is how I felt.
James is a musician and a great one to be honest. I loved every moment of listening to him. He was charming, sweet, intelligent, funny and spontaneous. We started talking everyday. He would ask how my day was, what my favourite colour was we would just talk for hours on end. Not like me and my husband he would usually come home lay on the couch ,eat watch tv and sleep we would never talk.The weekend after I met James we decided to see each other again. I did not go to see him with the intention to sleep with him I went because I thought that we had a great connection and we could be friends.
That evening we talked about our spouses and how lonely we really where. How much we missed excitement and passion. I remember saying that I have a great husband and he does take care of us financially, he provides for us. ( Yes he does but financially and Emotionally are two different things) So after far to many glasses of wine we suddenly kissed. That kiss I rate as one of the best I have ever had. I will never forget the way he touched me. I had never felt more like myself and more beautiful. Its hard to feel beautiful if the person you are married to does not even look your way if you deliberately walk past the Tv naked to catch there attention. I had to compete with Top Gear and The walking dead.
James and I had a really strong connection something I can never explain. I never in my life experienced sex they way I did with him. If I think about it his touch, his kisses, his words I almost want to start crying. My friend told me he is a musician and he will never contact me again after this. The next day he did and it felt like I really was special to him. I felt like I meant something to someone and that they actually cared. I still till this very day wish I could speak to him again and find out if he is ok. If he is feeling the way I do. If he is going through the same emotions I am.
Our romance shortly ended when my husband came across our messages. To be continued…..
Before you judge me I would like you to follow my story.
My story has a different ending then you think.
But to let you understand I need to start at the beginning. Early in life I realized that the world is not a fairy tale where Prince charming comes and rescues you on his white horse. I learned that the monsters under your bed don’t exist but they are closer to you then you think. If you told me 10 years ago if I thought this I what my life would be and how I would be feeling I would have laughed and said that you were crazy.
I married at a young age. I was still so naïve not really knowing I wanted or even what I needed. From the start of our relationship I never realized how much I had changed to make my husband happy and receive his approval. It funny how you change for the one you love. I really thought that my love was unconditional that I would jump into a fire for him even lay down my own life to spare his.
It all changed.
My love turned into hate resentment and uncontrollable sadness.
I gave my heart to a man who loved me, who wanted to be with me. Who ultimately was afraid of all I offered.