Why now!

Today I have been going back and fourth wondering wat the actual F@#$ is going on in my husbands mind. I have asked for a separation and will be moving soon.

Now he wants to start and romance me again flowers, chocolates you f#$! Name it………

Why now why not when i went down on my knees begged and cried for him to love me!

I know He will quit soon as I call off the separation then everything will just go back to me being the horrible cheating wife again.

Am I being cruel right now? I just cant handle this manipulation any longer.

No longer will we be abused!

No longer will I allow a man to emotionally abuse me. He can do what he pleases and even write CHEATING WHORE over my forehead for all I fucking care.

But he will no longer continue to abuse my daughter. He will no longer have the right to continuously break her down and throw her with objects.j

I fucking hate him! I hate him! I hate him!

I told him I finally want a divorce. I cant do this anymore.

What have I become!

So after going through Facebook memories this morning. I realized how much my life and my body has changed.

I have become absolutely drained. My face is literally skin and bone. My hair is now faded and short. My arms look like spaghetti and my Ass is non existent.

I look disgusting!!!!

I weighed myself today year ago I was a healthy 65kg today I am a 48kg mess. (Taking my height into consideration I am extremely underweight)

What have I become!

He is going to kill me.

I think my husband is going to kill me. Might be emotionally but my sixth sense is constantly warning me. Something is up.

It’s so hard to explain this horrible gut feeling I have. It’s like he is playing a sick mind game with me. I am literally on the verge of a break down.

He stays up all night watching me. He never sleeps. He constantly makes me feel like I am completely losing my mind. He will be so mean to my daughter and when I tell him he is being unnecessary I will recieve this dead look of hatred.

It’s like he want to make me think I am crazy. I cried in a restaurant today because I was told he takes me out to dinner but I dont even speak a word to him. Because an hour earlier I was the biggest piece of shit at home.

I am losing my mind. Just want him to kill me already so this can just be over. I cant live like this anymore. I am constantly looking over my shoulder.

I cant do this anymore.

Dependant on a man.

I haven’t posted in a while.

Life have literally exploded into a whole huge colossal piece of shit.

How the hell did I become so dependable on my husband. It is so frustrating I cannot even explain the anger I find inside myself at this moment. I used to be so independent and now I dont even have a bank account.

I have decided to leave my marriage. After I cheated I tried to commit myself completely to my husband. I know I tried and thats all that counts.

Now how do you leave with not even a cent? How do you start over and move on!

All of this is getting to the point of me completely losing myself again.

Not sure….

Today I keep on wondering if I really was the only women James had cheated with. My stomach is literary in knots with the tought that I might have been just one of those girls…… a fucking GROUPIE!

I could not control myself today and I went and looked up his name on google….. I found so many comments from girls on social platforms and a instant punch in my gut feeling…. I am stupid to be slightly jealous right?

Am I going insane or is this just human nature! All I want to do is seek my closure from him without our spouse’s intervening!

I know I need to focus on my marriage right now. But how can I if my keep on having this stupid strong emotional connection to James.

I just wanted to be free part 2….

After my husband found out about my infidelity I tried to commit suicide. Not because I was ashamed or in denial about what I had done. But because 10 years of constant emotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse had taken its final piece of me.

I had admitted to everything. He wanted to know exactly how it had happend. I was forced and manipulated into telling him how James and I had slept together. I was so broken so miserable and lost. He even wanted to know exactly how many times he had kissed me and how.

I remember waking up after I had over dosed with a pipe in my stomach and a nurse telling me to breathe thorough my nose. I was shattered the intern looked at my bruised arms and waved to the nurse to take a look. She smiled sympathetically and said “something must have really upset you” I wanted so much to die that day. I hated myself, I hated my Husband and what we had become.

I know my husband was also broken and his entire life had just changed. I know that I had committed the most horrible of crimes in your marriage. He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, great father and friend. But he is a horrible husband.

I remember someone telling me I have married the realist not the lover. And its true….. even if its hard to admit.

I really dont think our marriage will ever work….. there has been so much hurt on both sides and it has completely shattered us. I have lost my soul in the process.

One thing however I am sure of is that I will never allow myself to love another man.